I’m scared shitless that people would gang up on me and kick and punch me senseless. They’d kick so hard my liver would rip in half, my hip would break in three and I’d swallow most of my teeth.
I’m also afraid of needles. Especially if they’re close to my eyes. No one comes near my eyes. I have a sub-chronic infection in my eye. I went to the doctor and he wanted to measure the pressure in my eyes. That didn’t sound too bad. First I had to put cream on my eyes that would numb them. That was difficult enough. Then I had to put my chin to a futuristic device that would measure the pressure. I thought that would be done via some kind of rays. Nope, it was needles - I saw them coming closer and closer to my eyes. Finally I panicked and yelled stop stop STOP! He did and checked the pressure by feel. The pressure was all right and so was I. But that’s simple, you can get over those things and get them done if it’s really necessary.
Being afraid of life is another thing completely. Feeling safe. I’m all about having some spare money up my sleeve in case I fall on my ass. Always trying to keep it safe and lower the risks. But what is it really that I’m afraid of?
A lot of people bum away all their lives and are just fine. They might not have the newest iPad or the 50 € bottle of wine. But they survive, have fun and enjoy life. I’m sure I could do that, I look like a bum already. Except that I can’t. I’m afraid of something and I don’t know what it is yet. I’m trying to find out by doing crazy stuff like jumping out of airplanes, climbing mountains and ascending cliffs. The more risk the better.
Then I try and find it inside me. I sit on my ass and keep meditating. Every day. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for and I know I’m looking for something. Whatever it is, I know it’s somewhere.
What am I afraid of then? I’m clearly not afraid of dying. Death is a natural course of life. But life is different. It doesn’t just run its course but you need to make it happen. And you need to make it happen every day for the rest of your life.
I’m afraid I won’t make it.
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”
― Charles BukowskiTweet